Cricket beats halfwits

What a week.

'If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, then it probably is a duck'...

There's little I can add to the chorus of boos ringing out in the direction of the ECB after their Texan golden goose turned out to have laid a very rotten egg. Of course, I hope Clarke and the rest of the bumbling halfwits at the ECB who turned Lords into a helipad and dropped English cricket's trousers for a few quid are asked to find alternative employment. Alas, in these days when our best spinners seem to be those in the shirts and ties at the ECB and not those in the whites, I think Clarke and co may just hang on to drag us even deeper into the Hall of Shame over the next couple of years. God I hope not...

It was great to see the game itself rise above the shame of the administrators last week in Antigua.

OK, from an English perspective, we didn't quite manage to do it, but that last hour provided drama and tension on a scale which is just not achievable via the quick hit of 20-20 and more often than not, one day cricket. In that last hour, David Gower got as animated as I've ever heard him. We saw the sunburnt Barmy Army bite nails to the quick. And such was the glee on the Antiguan faces in the crowd, you could have been excused for thinking they were watching Greenidge and Haynes, not Edwards and Powell. And as the drama unfolded and the light failed, I'll bet none of the people in the crowd, the commentary box or those watching at home thought even for one second about 'Sir' Alan, Giles Clarke and co. For that final session, it was all about the cricket and that's exactly how it should always be.

As for the series itself, wasn't this supposed to be the jaunt in the sun for the boys to show everyone that they could play after getting throughly dealt with by India and South Africa? A confidence booster before the real business of this summer? It's not quite happening at the moment is it. It was definitely an improvement on Jamaica, but that wasn't hard was it.

No disrespect to the Windies, but I see the final two games going much the same way as Antigua. It will come down to whether England can get twenty wickets. The positive from the bowling point of view was clearly Swann, who bowled a wider variety of deliveries in that game than Monty has in his whole career, and Broad's continuing improvement. If Swann can keep it up, and with the ability to provide valuable and quick runs down the order, I think he can soon become a key member of the side.

The worry (again) was Harmison. For me, the most exciting part of watching cricket is watching a truly fast, aggressive bowler put the wind up a side. I'm a huge fan of his - watching him bowl at the speed of light at the Aussies on day one at Lords in 2005, hitting Ponting on the melon and taking five for was as good as it gets for me. But watching him amble in, boy boobs jiggling around under the three lions and sweating like a you know what in a playground in Antigua convinced me that his time is up because he just doesn't want it enough any more. It's an insult to his team mates and those supporting him that he can't get himself even half fit to play for England. After all, he's not juggling a day job with cricket like the rest of us. It's his job!! Can you imagine Ryan Giggs running down the wing at Old Trafford with man breasts wobbling about under the red shirt???

Let's not kid ourselves any longer. Trouble is, who else is there???

The backroom staff come good at last

Finally, the swarm of hangers on that Team England call 'backroom staff' have come good.

All the massaging, laptop analysis, hair straightening (or perming in Sidebottom's case) and tooth whitening since getting hammered in Jamaica clearly hadn't been enough to get the poor lambs ready to play again. With the group in need of further mental rehab and time running out, our support heroes took matters into their own hands. Taking to the beach in the dead of night (and in between serving cocktails for Freddie and Harmy), they transported 8 tonnes of beautiful white sand and dumped it over the outfield at the Sir Viv stadium. The bewildered groundstaff must have thought it was just part of their latest bizarre warm up routine. Game off. Job done.

What a shocker! The groundsman must feel as embarrassed as Matt Prior does when he stands up. Well maybe not quite.

The game will now re-start on Sunday at the Antigua Recreation Ground, so hopefully most of the supporters who have paid good money to be out there will get to see some cricket.

On to the flattest wicket in the world then. We might get to a hundred this time, who knows...

Every cloud...

About a month or so ago, I stumbled upon an Ashes preview show on Sky, hosted by David Gower. Lubo was joined by messrs Botham, Hussain, the ever cheerful Willis and the token Aussie, Ian Harvey. Harvey did his best to hide his mirth as Beefy in particular talked up our chances against the declining Baggy Greeners. Botham seemed convinced that in order for the urn to be reclaimed in the summer, all the England boys had to do was turn up, along with the masseuse, the analyst, the doctor, the physio, the psychologist, the bloke who picks all the practice balls up after nets and the chap that straightens their hair before they go out to field.

Whilst Harvey did a great job of hiding his contempt, I was left scratching my head at whether Beefy was talking about the same shambolic, disorganised, rudder-less group I'd been watching lurch down a slippery slope since 2005. After the nightmare that was Sabina Park, I'm convinced he can't have been. I wonder if the great man still thinks that the summer will be one big canter to another parade through Trafalgar Square?

However, this most optimistic (or perhaps foolish) of England fans thinks that even this darkest of dark clouds has something of a silver lining. Why? Because this England side got the kick up the backside they so desperately needed. It's now up to them whether they do something about it or whether they remain bent over for the rest of the series...

We clearly need someone at the top making tough decisions. A coach, a manager, call them what you will, just someone who will say no to these players from time to time and someone who will give them the direction they need. Someone who will ask why Harmison, allegedly England's most hostile weapon, continues to fart it out at 80 mph. Quick enough to hurry this particular rabbit but barely medium pace at test level. Someone who will also ask why Panesar is quicker than Sidebottom. And someone who will ask Bell and Collingwood why they only ever seem to score runs when their very careers depend on it.

I'm all for the advances Team England have made since the days of Ray Illingworth - but surely it's gone too far now.

I'm perhaps hoping against hope that out of this mess can come something positive. However, the early signs are...that it's not going to happen. Certainly, if you listened to Andy Flower this morning talk about the need to avoid knee jerk reactions and how important it was for the guys to remain solid. Well, we haven't beaten anyone of note in the last three years so I think a reaction is pretty overdue! And as for solidity, they looked about as solid as the morning after a Vindaloo as they came and went at Sabina Park on Saturday.

I just hope they take the view that this can't happen again - and if changes are needed (they are) then they are made. Then maybe we can look back on this in perhaps 12 months time and say that it was worth going through, no matter how bad it was at the time.